Good evening.
My name is Esther A--that's my surname at least. I like to keep myself classified not as much for privacy, but for personal reasons, simply like the fact I like being mysterious.
Speaking of mysteries, this world is full of them. From the force that rises the sun from the east, to the urge that drives a psychopathic serial killer to his madness, mystery is what governs this world.
But it is also what destroys it.
I created this blog on January 30 2017 for one purpose: to keep track of my intellectual curiosity, Thank you, for taking your time and interest to read my blabbering, but this site is really for myself in the future to read and interpret if what I had wrote made any sense.
A wise woman once said, "if one desires the truth, they must, at one point, doubt all things",
I am not just doubting, but I am concluding,too.
Let me give you some back story on my religious views ( something you can skip, but I like talking about myself):
I am a religious Hindu--or used to be. Since the day I was born on the 9th of November, I was followed up through Hindu traditions and became accustomed to the traditions of my culture.
As I got older, I would believe in God more deeply. I would see him as my guide and as my friend. In middle school, he was the one I would talk to in my mind the entire day. He would be the one I'd go to for advice in love situations. ( not that i took love seriously). I used to think of myself as higher than everyone else because I had someone powerful on my side, and everyone else did not. Every morning I would say my 5 prayers to him and after every bath I would go to my family altar and write his name 121 times. It would be my thanks to him for everything he did for me: blessing me with my family, my dogs, my friends, my curiosity...I could go on and on. I continued that path for another 2 years. It became a habit, and I gained lots of respect for it,too
My mother was not open to me becoming Christian, and neither was I. It was not the fact that I did not believe in Jesus Christ, in fact, the Bible has many morals that I follow everyday. But it was the fact that I felt more comfortable having a one-on-one relationship with a Hindu God instead of Jesus Christ. I have only ever been to Church once, and it was one of the most fascinating experiences in my life. I was intrigued by all the singing and the dancing and the fainting, as well as the loud preaching. But I was only around 9 or 10 then, and so father's words had no affect on me. My old old old piano teacher took me there once. Mrs.Madeline, you are forever in my heart. She taught me how to play "Jesus loves me" on the piano. I now wonder if she was subtly trying to convert me into a Christian...hey, its an evangelical/universalizing religion. It would be no surprise.
However, something was bothering me: I followed God so closely,gave him every prayer and adhered to all of his intentions... yet other people seemed to be more advantageous than me.
Was I not praying him enough? Did I not give him sweets enough? What was I doing wrong?
Those were not the only questions.
If I am honest, I cannot exactly recall when I began to question God. Most likely after a heartbreak.
I learn most from those.
Long story short, I began to wonder what my purpose on earth was-if I even had one that is. I wondered how earth was created and what the point of everything was.
I simply believed one thing: There was a God, but he was not an actual being, but, he was a BEING inside me--as my conscience.
That summarizes my intro to this blog and will you will go through every doubt through my posts :)
I would like to say one more thing:
I know every point I make can be argued. In fact, I may not have done all the required research to make my points valid. What I post are simply my theories. That is all. These are "shower thoughts"-- not well-developed arguments. The purpose of my blog is for my own self in the future to get into the head of my 17 year old self, and you are here and welcome to read as you please. But know everything I point out may not be correct.
